Men, usually, present a strong exterior and this belies the hurt they experience deep down. However, men and women, both, experience a few strikingly similar feelings in the immediate post-divorce period.
Similar Experiences of Men and Women in the Year Following a Divorce
Divorce angers both men and women and anger is perceived to be a person's worst enemy.
Your anger might destroy you, for it is such a powerful emotion that if not discharged, it consumes the person experiencing it. Before you attempt handling your anger, realise the cause of your animosity. Analyse your feelings -- your anger could be due to the unintended failure of your marriage, the absence of children around the house, or you might even be angry at yourself for not being able to prevent the divorce. Whatever may be the reason for your anger, do not try to go back in time and make rectifications.
Speak to a minister, priest or friend about your temper. This would help unburden the load. If this fails to help, solicit the services of a therapist. A therapist assists you reclaim back your lost happiness. Alternately, you can try out anger management techniques.
The other strong emotions you might encounter are sorrow, loneliness and boredom. However, these emotions can be dispelled if you seek the help of divorce support groups. Never allow thoughts of self-pity to cloud your mind.
Loneliness and boredom also induce fear which is again a forceful emotion which might threaten the peace of your mind. Living a long life all alone is frightening. Seek help from all quarters.
Above all, help yourself. Form a strong mental picture of yourself. Be self-confident. Formulate a plan to regain your lost self-esteem and bruised ego. There would definitely be times when you feel your efforts are futile. Do not berate yourself for this. Regaining lost self-esteem is a slow but sure process.
You are not alone in such a situation. Every man or woman who has been through the nerve-wracking process of a divorce faces similar such feelings. However, some experiences are unique to divorced men only.
Situations Unique to a Man Post-Divorce
Post-divorce men often wonder about the status of their relationship with their ex-spouse.
Developing a new relationship with a person who was once your wife is not easy. It takes time and effort. For many men, their wife is their confidant, with whom they share their innermost thoughts. After the divorce men tend to open up to their ex-wives. However, the reactions they face startle and hurt them, for their ex-partner might be sympathetic but aloof (for the divorce has made her a stranger).
Stop being perplexed and terminate all effort of trying to turn your ex-marital mate into a friend. Instead strive at making the relationship more formal and polite. Let it be a business-like relationship, where the relationship is congenially formal.
Another unanticipated arena that divorced men grapple with pertains to their relationship with children.
You might be longing for the visitation hours, but your children might be disinclined to visit you or would rather leave your home early. They might even forget to wish you on your birthday or father's day. These occurrences are small but, nevertheless, they hurt a lot. Moreover, you might be at a loss as to how to react to such situations.
Such circumstances have to be patiently handled. Whenever your children come home to visit you, make the time memorable for them. Spend time qualitatively and mark the atmosphere with pleasantness. Do not speak ill of your ex-wife. Let not your children become privy to your marital problems that are supposed to be innately personal.
Over a period of time, your children would understand that they are important and their time is valuable to you. With the descending of such realisation, your children will try to spend as much time with you as possible; till then try to be patient.
Divorce is always synonymous with change - a little of it is anticipated, while the major part of it is unanticipated. Prepare for the change. When you meet unexpected challenges, try to work them out, while holding a vivid picture of yourself as emerging a winner. Let not the picture fade!
James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com
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