But, the worst sufferers in this case are the children. They get affected the most in this whole process.
Children Need To Be Told
It is very important to tell children even in the initial stages that you are going to get divorced. You might feel that you are saving them a lot of trouble by not telling them what's going on. But, you are totally mistaken if you think so. Children mustn't be informed at the last minute when their parents are going to get divorced. It will be a shock for them just out of the blue. They will feel hurt and depressed in this case. Even when you feel that things aren't going on well in your marital life, inform your children that you are having problems and might have to separate and get a divorce.
Also, assure your children that you will do your best to see if the issue can be resolved without filing for a divorce. Also, tell them that you will both continue to care for them the way you do now. Children will not take this announcement well. Children of different age groups might react differently.
Not Their Fault
The first thing that children need to be assured of is that none of what is happening is their fault. They tend to feel that something they did caused the whole thing or if they had been better children, fared better at school their parents wouldn't have separated. They always feel "secretly' that their mission is to somehow bring their parents back together.
Encourage Them to Speak Their Heart Out
It isn't enough that children are just informed about what might happen and left at that. It is very important that they are encouraged to speak out what they have in their hearts. It will not be easy, because the children want nothing other than to have their parents together again as one happy family.
You needn't involve them in all your personal discussions, but sit down and tell them what their future arrangements might be and hear them out if they have any grievances against the same. Make them understand that they cannot get everything that they want, but try to give in to reasonable demands.
There are certain important things that you mustn't do. Make sure that you don't fight in front of your children. They are feeling miserable as it is. They'll feel even worse if they see you fighting. Never use your children as a buffer between you and your partner. If you find it so difficult to communicate with him, find some other means to do so, maybe via e-mails or letters.
Never talk ill about your partner in front of your children. In fact, you must encourage them to have a good relationship with both of you. Children need both their father and mother to grow up well. Never make promises that you cannot keep. They will feel very hurt.
Children need you the most. Don't try making up for the hurt caused by the divorce by buying them expensive gifts. Instead see that you spend as much time as possible with them. That will make them happy. You also need to make sure that the rules and discipline remain the same. They need to understand that things will just be as they used to be, except for the separation.
All the above stated may not be that easy to follow for everybody. There might be different circumstances in different families. You might not be able to discuss your children's future plans with your partner. Rather than going to court for everything, a mediator will help you talk to each other and discuss your plans for your children. Mediators will assist you in being good parents even after you have stopped being partners.
It is not easy to bring children up after you divorce. You might have another family of your own now. But, you need to remember that even though you have parted ways with your partner, your children will always need you as they grow. Growing up will never be the same for them without either parent. Even though you have divorced your partner now, you are still responsible as a parent to bring your child up well as you would have earlier. The child doesn't deserve an unhappy, broken life devoid of love.
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