Do you feel stuck in your grief? Has it been months since your loved one died and you feel you should be feeling better? Do others close to the deceased seem to be adapting more quickly than you? Has the pain gotten worse? These are questions with very individual answers. They may or may not indicate outside assistance is necessary.

Be assured, the vast majority of people mourning the death of a loved one do not need professional assistance. On the other hand, a professional counselor who works with the bereaved may be able to open new avenues for adjusting to the absence of your loved one. Here are some items to consider in deciding to look for assistance.

1. You believe you have lost your sense of identity as a person. In some relationships, the mourner’s identity before the death was totally associated with the beloved. That person may have done many things for you that you should have been doing for yourself. Or, you had few friends and now you need a nurturing community. While establishing a new identity is one of the normal tasks of grieving, sometimes the degree of dependence on the deceased now means your identity formation is a major need that must be initially addressed.

2. You have suffered from several significant losses in a short period of time. Sometimes within a matter of days, weeks, or months a mourner can suffer the deaths of more than one friend or family member or a combination of the two. Or, a death may have been preceded or followed by a divorce, a major fire in the home, an incarceration of a family member or the betrayal of a friend. The result of bereavement overload can be too much to handle without assistance.

3. You have suicidal thoughts. It is not uncommon for self-destructive thoughts to pass through your mind as a way to silence the pain. Many mourners report such thoughts. Most of the time suicidal thoughts leave as they have entered, rather quietly. See someone immediately if you begin to think of a method or methods you might use. It is one thing to have a thought. It is quite another to start hatching a plan. The pain will gradually lessen, but don’t wait to discuss your dilemma.

4. For weeks or months you have harbored extreme anger or hatred toward another associated with the death. You are convinced you will never forgive and you think about that person or situation every day. Such volatile emotions create a huge drain on your energy stores and your physiology each time you entertain these thoughts. Once more, anger and hostility curtail productive thinking for dealing with your loss.

5. You are alone without a loving support system or grief support groups in your area that you could join. Isolation is the arch enemy of adjusting to the death of a loved one. It is a nurturing person or community of persons whose presence and listening skills are at the core of keeping hope alive. Mourners need to express what is happening inside. If no one is consistently available or you feel stuck in your grieving, find a professional.

6. You are drinking more alcohol and using more sleeping medication or other drugs than usual. This is not an uncommon reaction to the pain of loss, especially when you live alone and evenings alone become unbearable. However, excessive use inevitably leads to various physical problems, sometimes a reduction in self-esteem, and often the inability to firmly establish needed new routines.

7. Your depression seems to persist. Normal reactive depression is a common response to the death of a loved one. It comes and goes often when grieving. Nonetheless, when it persists to the point where you are missing work, starting to seclude yourself, or feeling unable to deal with common chores or responsibilities, get help.

How do you find a competent grief counselor or therapist? First ask friends you know and trust. Call your local hospice to ask for recommendations. The same approach can be used with your local hospital or parish nurse at your church. If possible, look for a counselor who has dealt more with grief and is not into too many specialized areas. After your first visit you should have a feel about whether or not you feel comfortable with this person. If not, it is advisable to look elsewhere.

Finally, remember that it is not a sign of weakness to seek assistance in coping with the death of a loved one. We all need each other at various times throughout life. When grieving, it is one of those times. Reach out and you will make it through this difficult transition.
 

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice and Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

Be assured, the vast majority of people mourning the death of a loved one do not need professional assistance. On the other hand, a professional counselor who works with the bereaved may be able to open new avenues for adjusting to the absence of your loved one. Here are some items to consider in deciding to look for assistance.

1. You believe you have lost your sense of identity as a person. In some relationships, the mourner’s identity before the death was totally associated with the beloved. That person may have done many things for you that you should have been doing for yourself. Or, you had few friends and now you need a nurturing community. While establishing a new identity is one of the normal tasks of grieving, sometimes the degree of dependence on the deceased now means your identity formation is a major need that must be initially addressed.

2. You have suffered from several significant losses in a short period of time. Sometimes within a matter of days, weeks, or months a mourner can suffer the deaths of more than one friend or family member or a combination of the two. Or, a death may have been preceded or followed by a divorce, a major fire in the home, an incarceration of a family member or the betrayal of a friend. The result of bereavement overload can be too much to handle without assistance.

3. You have suicidal thoughts. It is not uncommon for self-destructive thoughts to pass through your mind as a way to silence the pain. Many mourners report such thoughts. Most of the time suicidal thoughts leave as they have entered, rather quietly. See someone immediately if you begin to think of a method or methods you might use. It is one thing to have a thought. It is quite another to start hatching a plan. The pain will gradually lessen, but don’t wait to discuss your dilemma.

4. For weeks or months you have harbored extreme anger or hatred toward another associated with the death. You are convinced you will never forgive and you think about that person or situation every day. Such volatile emotions create a huge drain on your energy stores and your physiology each time you entertain these thoughts. Once more, anger and hostility curtail productive thinking for dealing with your loss.

5. You are alone without a loving support system or grief support groups in your area that you could join. Isolation is the arch enemy of adjusting to the death of a loved one. It is a nurturing person or community of persons whose presence and listening skills are at the core of keeping hope alive. Mourners need to express what is happening inside. If no one is consistently available or you feel stuck in your grieving, find a professional.

6. You are drinking more alcohol and using more sleeping medication or other drugs than usual. This is not an uncommon reaction to the pain of loss, especially when you live alone and evenings alone become unbearable. However, excessive use inevitably leads to various physical problems, sometimes a reduction in self-esteem, and often the inability to firmly establish needed new routines.

7. Your depression seems to persist. Normal reactive depression is a common response to the death of a loved one. It comes and goes often when grieving. Nonetheless, when it persists to the point where you are missing work, starting to seclude yourself, or feeling unable to deal with common chores or responsibilities, get help.

How do you find a competent grief counselor or therapist? First ask friends you know and trust. Call your local hospice to ask for recommendations. The same approach can be used with your local hospital or parish nurse at your church. If possible, look for a counselor who has dealt more with grief and is not into too many specialized areas. After your first visit you should have a feel about whether or not you feel comfortable with this person. If not, it is advisable to look elsewhere.

Finally, remember that it is not a sign of weakness to seek assistance in coping with the death of a loved one. We all need each other at various times throughout life. When grieving, it is one of those times. Reach out and you will make it through this difficult transition.
 

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice and Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.

When you lose a loved one, the best thing you can do is, seek out others who can empathize with your grief. Why is it that we don't always easily move through the healing of grief? Many experts call this complicated grief or feeling, we just can't move on. The symptoms and consequences of complicated grief can be distant and at times destructive. So it's important to look at our grief, and examine whether or not there might be some issues in need of attention and help. Typically, people discuss their grief reaction with someone they know or do not discuss it at all. Current technology now enables people to cope with grief through participation in on-line support groups from the comfort and privacy of their home. We are most disillusioned from loss when we have not yet learned how to help ourselves, what it is we received from someone who is now gone.

Online support groups for loss, assist members in facing the void left by the loss of a loved one and help to reduce members' feelings of isolation. People in an early phase of grief can share their reactions with others in the group while others in a later phase can offer support and problem solving. Facing holidays and special occasions are considered difficult for most members. Likewise, those who are terminally ill and/or their loved ones face similar anxieties, if they anticipate that approaching holidays and special occasions may be the last ones they celebrate together. The true beauty of the web is its vast resources, and it could be the perfect place to get the comfort you need right away and can help you make it through these troubled times. You can maintain and share through a memorial website, which will be the focal point of a community that keeps your loved one's memory alive. It lets you cherish your loved one and share the memories forever. They offer varied features, which enable you to create a memorial that reflects your loved one's life and is tailored to the needs of family and friends.

* Tell your loved one's life story, express your thoughts on their passing away, and place of a memorial service or event.

* Describe your loved one's legacy. Share poems, stories or articles they wrote.

* Create a time line highlighting important events in the departed's life, such as graduation, marriage, and achievements etc.

* Light a candle on the anniversary of your loved one's passing, or on their birthday.

* Allow visitors to express their feelings, pay tribute to the departed, and offer condolences to the family. * Publish audio and video clips featuring your loved one.

* Have a mailing list of friends and family who would like to be notified.

Online support groups reduce their sense of isolation and loneliness, a predominant reaction for most people in the midst of the grief process or for those who do not seek a face-to-face support group or support person. Specialized online support groups can be formed more successfully than traditional support groups that are limited by geographic boundaries. Universality unites people as they share similar thoughts, feelings, fears or reactions with their cyber community. They realize that grief is natural, feel bonded, and heal as they complete the grief process.

Online support groups for loss, assist members in facing the void left by the loss of a loved one and help to reduce members' feelings of isolation. People in an early phase of grief can share their reactions with others in the group while others in a later phase can offer support and problem solving. Facing holidays and special occasions are considered difficult for most members. Likewise, those who are terminally ill and/or their loved ones face similar anxieties, if they anticipate that approaching holidays and special occasions may be the last ones they celebrate together. The true beauty of the web is its vast resources, and it could be the perfect place to get the comfort you need right away and can help you make it through these troubled times. You can maintain and share through a memorial website, which will be the focal point of a community that keeps your loved one's memory alive. It lets you cherish your loved one and share the memories forever. They offer varied features, which enable you to create a memorial that reflects your loved one's life and is tailored to the needs of family and friends.

* Tell your loved one's life story, express your thoughts on their passing away, and place of a memorial service or event.

* Describe your loved one's legacy. Share poems, stories or articles they wrote.

* Create a time line highlighting important events in the departed's life, such as graduation, marriage, and achievements etc.

* Light a candle on the anniversary of your loved one's passing, or on their birthday.

* Allow visitors to express their feelings, pay tribute to the departed, and offer condolences to the family. * Publish audio and video clips featuring your loved one.

* Have a mailing list of friends and family who would like to be notified.

Online support groups reduce their sense of isolation and loneliness, a predominant reaction for most people in the midst of the grief process or for those who do not seek a face-to-face support group or support person. Specialized online support groups can be formed more successfully than traditional support groups that are limited by geographic boundaries. Universality unites people as they share similar thoughts, feelings, fears or reactions with their cyber community. They realize that grief is natural, feel bonded, and heal as they complete the grief process.

Some Thoughts About Grief: Grieving: Kübler-Ross said that the grieving process involves experiencing all five stages of grief, although not always in this order. Although not everyone progresses through these stages in the same order and not everyone experiences each stage, the feelings and emotions identified seem to be universal. Shock and Denial: The first reaction to loss is often the inability to feel anything. This may include feeling numb, weak, overwhelmed, anxious, not yourself, or withdrawn. Anger: Blaming yourself or others for the loss. Bargaining: "If you'll just let him live, I'll promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life." Depression: Feeling deep sadness, disturbed sleep and eating patterns, thoughts of suicide, excessive crying. Acceptance: Beginning to look for the lessons of the experience. These are well documented stages to the grieving process, yet no two people's journey will be the same. Each of us goes about the task of grieving in our own distinct way. While no one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you, if you know your loved one would be okay with your special path of grieving, then feel good about it and do it. Feelings: Isolated people do not let their feelings show and suppressed feelings lead to depression and other kinds of physical and mental ailments as well. Emotions are feelings in motion. We can assist those who are not open with their emotions by helping them to bring feelings to the surface. In doing so we will help ease their pain and bring them 'back' to their normal state more quickly. The simple experience of being "accompanied" with your feelings can be comforting. Talking about feelings with the bereaved will help them to relieve anxiety. The bereaved may need to proceed cautiously, taking baby-step risks at first, trusting their most private thoughts, feelings and needs to only one or two close and dependable friends. Anger Often the bereaved will experience anger about their loss. If the person has seen other crises in their lives, anger increases. Blame and anger can be directed towards God, the person lost and others. Often they may not allowed themselves to recognize, for instance, anger directed inward, or directed outward toward their departed or even the world-at-large until they are feeling stronger and in control of their life once again. These are just some brief comments about the grieving process. I recommend going to websites about bereavement and sharing your thoughts and/or reading other's in forums. It helps to understand what is going on in other's lives.

Linda Torrey - runs a non profit grief and bereavement website -

Linda Angel Bereavement & Grief Support Center - http://www.linda-angel.com

This web site's sole aim is to provide free information to those in need. The website provides articles, resources, advise, forums & a free book.